Sickness

Sickness.

I’m thankful for it.

Sometimes sickness forces me to stop – not pause – but come to a complete standstill.

Today I had to lie abed, pain throbbing, shivering, stuffy head, vocal chords defunct. All I could do was lie there and look around.

I saw today.

My eyes drank in baby brother snuggled close to big sister in the reading corner to hear the words of one board book, then another, and another. No one directing this activity, no one suggesting it.

I saw middle sister kneel at our prayer couch and call “time for prayers, Jonathan!” because Mommy was not able to utter a word.

I saw obedient little feet running when I clapped my hands or snapped my fingers to bring my voiceless command to their attention.

When I could no longer see for having to squeeze my eyes shut because of an excruciating headache…

…I heard.

I heard “…then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee; How great Thou art, how great Thou art…” floating in from another room in the voice of an almost 4-year old

I heard the sweet words “poor Mommy” whispered close as they passed my way on their various destinations around the house.

I heard the soft snoring of stuffy little noses during naptime, when I myself was forced to be silent.

(I heard more silence today than I’ve heard in a long time. Could it be me? Could I be the one raising the noise level in the house with my constant direction?)

Today I felt.

Not just the strains that this illness was placing on my physical body…

I felt sweet, tiny movements all day long. Usually I’m running to and fro so much that I don’t feel many little flutters at this stage of pregnancy. However, today, each tiny kick was a sweet “hello”.

I felt little arms around me as one child after another paused to hug me to try and make me feel better.

I felt my children close as I, in turn, gave hugs of comfort to my little sickies. I felt their nearness more than I usually take the time to.

Although my sense of smell was absent, I was still able to taste things. Things that I need to taste – over and over with each illness I experience.

I tasted helplessness.

I tasted pain.

I tasted dependence.

Sickness has a way of bringing me to my knees. Frailty and weakness have their moments to shine. To care for my family when I feel so awful feels impossible without God strengthening me.

To taste pain gives the gift of empathy for others who suffer chronically.

To taste dependence is sometimes elusive for this over-achiever.

Today, for some reason that I am thankful for, I was given insight into the opportunities I had.

To see,

to hear,

to feel,

to taste…

…what wonderful blessings, indeed! 

Do You Feel It?

There seems to be a bit of tension in the air these days. Do you feel it?

People are worried about the economy, about their jobs, and about some of the changes that our new President is making or considering making. There is quite a bit of low rumbling in Dan’s office about changes for their company on the near horizon. Every day he talks with co-workers who are uncertain about what lies ahead for them in their positions. They are worried and uneasy.

It is definitely a very uncertain time for many people. Do you find yourself spending a good amount of your time worrying about current events?

One way that I try to keep myself from getting wrapped up in the uncertainty is to stay away from too much news media. We try and check our news online every couple of days. It’s not usually the plain ‘ole news that is so troubling as all the commentary about the news. It’s easy to get wrapped up in one man’s opinions of another man’s opinions of another person’s opinions. There are SO many opinions about the news that it’s easy to get caught up in all of the TALK. If we listen to it constantly, it’s easy to get worn down.

Keeping my eyes focused on God’s Word is another way that I can avoid getting too stressed out about current events. I like the lyrics to this song by Phillips, Craig and Dean:

You are God alone,
From before time began
You were on Your throne
You are God alone

And right now,
In the good times and bad,
You are on Your throne
You are God alone

It helps me to keep things in perspective when I think of God, outside of the “thick” of human events. He is not worried about what will happen. He is not wringing His hands, wondering if His people will be provided for. Although He is allowing human beings to go our own way and cause all sorts of problems for ourselves, He promises to work even the worst circumstances out to a good end for those who love Him.

It’s such a comfort to me that even though our worries today are the same worries shared by people of long ago, God still has the same answer for us:

 ”Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’

“For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.

 ”But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

 ”Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 6:31-34

Another thing that seems to help is making a conscious decision to cultivate thankfulness. I’m not talking about random bursts of thankfulness that I might feel when something good happens. I mean searching out and taking note of things to be thankful for. Keeping a thankful list, talking with the children about our blessings as we go about the day, and sharing with others how God has provided for me are some ways that I try and do this.

Dan is a great example to me of confidence and trust in God in uncertain times. He tells me that he isn’t too worried about losing his job. He is confident that God will provide for us in some way, whether that means Dan moving us across the country to secure a new job, working 2 or 3 “side” jobs for awhile, or going west to start a cattle ranch.

Ok, maybe that last one is a bit unrealistic, but if you know Dan, you know that he can be a bit of a visionary at times.

So what about you? Have you personally felt the tension and uncertainty in the air these days? If so, how do you deal with it?

Bearing one another’s burdens

This weekend I was very blessed to have a sister in Christ help bear a particular burden of mine.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had the tendency to gloss over this verse as a nicety:

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ

~ Galations 6:2

Have you ever had such a heavy burden on your heart/mind that you feel it is just unbearable? To have someone just come alongside and listen, and then to share good, sound words is possibly the most precious gift in the realm of friendship.

Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, but a good word makes it glad. 

 ~  Proverbs 12:25

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold
      In settings of silver.
Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold
      Is a wise rebuker to an obedient ear. 

~ Proverbs 25:11-12

The Contemporary English Version says it this way:

The right word at the right time

is like precious gold set in silver.

Listening to good advice is worth much more

than jewelry made of gold.

Showing empathy and speaking timely words to a friend may seem like small things to offer, but  they are priceless to the recipient.

Thank you, friend.

[Art print: Best Friends by Hans Brendelkilde]

Sometimes I just don’t feel like it

This morning I looked longingly at the coziness of my bed as I smoothed down the sheets and blankets. The early hour did not afford even the slightest glimmer of light through my easterly window. I thought to myself how nice it would be to just climb back in and “take it easy” for another hour or two. My reasoning went something like this…

Why not?

Why can’t I just jump back in? Why do I always have to get up early and DO things?

When do I ever get to sleep in – or lounge around and read a book – or just lay on the couch and do nothing? (that last one’s pretty funny, huh?)

What’s wrong with being lazy, anyway?

I knew however, that if I went back to bed like I thought I deserved at that very moment, the rest of my morning and possibly, day, would unravel. If I got started on the animal chores late, then dinner would not get into the crockpot on time, then breakfast would be late, then we would start school late, etc. Even though I knew this, I just didn’t feel like getting going.

As I finished making the bed, however, the answer to my silly questions came to me as I recalled scriptures pertaining to laziness and slothfulness, scriptures pertaining to serving others instead of serving myself, and scriptures about working 6 days and resting on the 7th.

I headed downstairs, still not feeling convinced that I shouldn’t be back up in bed. However, as the morning progressed smoothly, I was glad that I pulled myself out of bed on time.

Do you ever struggle with self-discipline? Do you ever find yourself saying “I just don’t feel like it” like I did this morning? Fortunately, I was able to draw upon the good habits and good words of wisdom that I had put into place beforehand to help overcome my battle (albeit small) of laziness this morning.

Many people desire the trait of self-discipline, but may not be willing to take the steps to actually achieve it, as it is not an instant thing. How is self-discipline acquired, anyhow? John MacArthur offers some good insight into the development of self-discipline in this article, taken from his book The Pillars of Christian Character.

Personally, although I know that I should have self-discipline, sometimes it’s hard to actually do the right thing. Sometimes I just don’t feel like it.

Do you have the self-discipline it takes to accomplish your goals for the new year or even just for today?

How have you developed self-discipline in your own life? Tell me about it!

Related resources:

This webpage has all sorts of quotes about self-discipline worth reading.

Frog and Toad offer up some deep thoughts on the topic of self-discipline in the story called ”Cookies” from the book Frog and Toad Together.

The big things

Considering how many big issues are swirling around the country this fall, you might wonder why I don’t talk too much about them on this blog. I know that many people are very concerned about the state of things here in the U.S. I share the concerns of many of you. I stand in awe as things continue to deteriorate before our very eyes. It’s so easy to get caught up in the all of the news headlines, even if you don’t watch the news. People are talking, talking, talking – everywhere you go.

Although I have been praying fervently about the different issues, I then leave them with God to focus on smaller things.

Little things in life may seem less significant with all the problems we face today, but I believe that they can be some of the most important. Things like loving those who treat me wrongfully, reaching out with a good attitude when I’m having a bad day, teaching my children how to put others first, and learning to be patient in trials. Things like studying God’s creation to know Him better and finding things to be thankful for in each and every moment. Things like nurturing relationships with my husband and children, with my parents and church family, with my neighbors and friends. These little things all add up to big things over time.

Sometimes I doubt my approach when people start (eloquently) wringing their hands about the troubled times in which we live. Maybe I’m just not sophisticated enough to get into all the political/social/theological debates that are circling around out there. Maybe I should focus on these issues more.

It’s just that I can’t help but thinking about the fact that evil has been in the world ever since the beginning of time. Of course, things are going to get exponentially worse, but things have pretty much remained the same for followers of God -

What does the Lord require of you? To act justly, and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God (Micah 6:8)

Jesus said to him, “ ‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ (Matthew 22:37-39)

Loving others, glorifying God and growing in character are things that will last eternally. When all the current issues have passed us by, what will remain? Our relationship with God and man – love – and essence of who we are – our character.

I don’t want to negate Christians who speak out on the big issues. After all, many of them are so much more articulate than I am.

Personally, I have chosen to try and take a simpler path. After all, I only have so much time in each day and I have a choice as to what I will spend that time thinking about. Am I alert to the trends in our society? Yes. Do I speak the truth in love when asked about issues by my friends and relatives? Yes. Do I wring my hands? I try not to. It’s scary sometimes, especially when our country’s political and social issues impact us personally. I choose instead to continually refocus on God, as He is the one in control.  If I focus on the things our Lord has given us to do, I know that I will be pursuing thoughts that are worthwhile.

And in the end, it may turn out that the little things that we thought were insignificant are actually the big things!

[If you ever feel like you need some encouragement in focusing on the little things, stop by Eyes of Wonder. Every time I visit there, I come away with a better focus. I'm so thankful that Jewels shares the ways she peacefully and lovingly takes care of her family while resting on God's care for her.]

A little me

It’s so strange.

She’s a little me.

Watching her is like watching a replay movie of my own childhood. Some of her actions make me smile -

*She loves to sing – constantly

*She loves, loves, loves books

*She loves to color and draw

*She seeks to please Mommy and Daddy in her daily actions

*She is a hard worker and wants to do everything I do

*She is a nurturing ”little mommy” to Jonathan

 

Some of them, not so much -

*When the girls are playing, she is the boss, the leader. She makes all of the decisions and chooses all of the games.

*If there is a word of dissonance from her follower, she is quick to come up with strong reasoning to convince the other to comply.

*She is quick to remind her sister of the rules and repeats Mommy’s words in a condescending tone.

As I see her acting out the very script I read as a child, I try to help her to see the downside of her bossy behavior. I tell her how my siblings came to resent my bossiness – how they would have preferred to have only one mother instead of two. I tell her these things because I want her to enjoy good relationships with her siblings. I want her to be happy.

But she doesn’t heed my words. (At least not yet.)

Although it frustrates me to see her having the same negative behavior as I did as a child, I am given pause to think.

Do you ever wonder if that’s how God feels about us and our wrong behavior patterns? He must watch us and desire us to be happy. So He tells us just what to do to enjoy good relationships with others. He reaches out to us through His Word with principles that will help us love one another. He even provides us with a Helper to help us apply those principles.

Will I submit myself to His teaching and wisdom so that I may learn to love as He loves? Will I listen to what He has to say or will I just continue on like a child, content with the way that I already do things? 

I’ve decided that in the future, when I see my daughter ignoring my “great advice”, that instead of getting frustrated, I’m going to stop and look at how I am responding to my heavenly Father’s advice first.

And if I do this, I pray that perhaps she will grow up and continue to imitate me – this time, as I try to follow God’s lead in my life.

Graphic from art.com (“Reflections” by N. Crookston)

My beautiful bench

Dan and I were blessed to move into a “new build” for our first home. Although there were many wonderful things about owning a new home, “new build” usually translates into “lots of projects” which translates into “lots of money”. That first year, money was flying out of our pockets left and right for projects. Our subdivision required that we have our lawn “in” within 30 days of moving in. Because we lived on a rocky plot, we had to purchase topsoil first, then the grass seed. Of course that meant that we needed a wheelbarrow, tools to move all the topsoil, and a seed spreader as well. Then we couldn’t forget a sprinkler and hose to get the grass to grow!

There were many other things that we needed, too. Our new home didn’t have a mailbox or garbage cans. The sliding glass door in the dining room opened up to a 10 foot drop (no deck!) We needed a washer and dryer, stove, furniture and other necessary things.

As we worked to furnish our new home and yard, you’d think that I would be content. After all, this was my very first home as a new wife! However, after months of spending money on lots of projects, I began to ask Dan if we were ever going to purchase anything *fun* for me. After all Dan was getting all sorts of things for him [i.e., tools - ha!] So what about me?  I didn’t grow up having lots of nice things and I don’t think anyone who knew me would say that I’d ever been a materialistic person. Yet all of the sudden, all those trips to the home project stores and furniture stores had left me thinking about what I didn’t have. What about the nice things that I was “supposed” to have in my own little house? What about curtains? What about a dining table? Color on the walls? Decorative mirrors? Wall hangings?

“Those things will just have to wait for now, Anna”

I (very) reluctantly agreed.

However, I convinced Dan to promise me that as SOON as we had the money, he just *had* to buy me a garden bench just like ones that I had seen dotting the porches of many of our neighbors. I thought it would be perfect for my piano students to sit on while they waited on our porch for their lessons.

I kept reminding nagging Dan about my bench, but it wasn’t until one year later that the time finally came to go to the garden store. I had already set it in my mind that I wasn’t about to buy one of the cheap wooden benches from Home Depot like everyone else had! I wanted a nice, heavy, wrought-iron one that was both beautiful and that would last forever. As soon as we arrived at the store, I spotted the one that I wanted. I ignored the high price tag and immediately set my heart on it. Dan tried to show me some other less expensive (and also nice looking) ones, but I wouldn’t be convinced.

After going back and forth for almost an hour, we drove away with my beautiful bench in the back of the car. Our bank account (that Dan had been trying to build back up after all of our projects) had a big hole in it, but he had a happy wife and that was worth it to him.

I was so happy and delighted! Everyone who visited commented on how lovely the bench was and my students used it weekly, just like I had planned.

When we moved to our new (old) home in 2006, the bench bumped along in the moving van with us. It still didn’t have a garden to sit in yet, but it found a prominent place at the top of the driveway near the garage. It didn’t get as much use now, as we had a deck to sit on that was nicely situated under a tree. Still, it looked beautiful.

Yesterday, I went outside to find this:

 

 Our dog had managed to get his exercise tether line wrapped around the intricate curve of one of the handles of the bench. He then proceeded to drag and bounce my bench around the driveway before we could even grab him and one of its legs came off. Snapped off. As in, cannot be repaired “snapped off”.

The first thing I said was “Oh no! My bench!” and then immediately after that, asked “Is Rex injured?”

He wasn’t. And too my surprise, my heart wasn’t injured over my bench. My prize possession that I had so fretted over and longed for lay broken in the driveway and it didn’t matter to me very much. Not because I had grown tired of the bench and moved on to better things – I still loved to sit on it. It puzzled me why I wasn’t more upset.

As I stood there and looked at the two pieces of the bench, I thought about what a foolish young wife I had been when I insisted on it from Dan. Now it seemed as though his money was laying out there in the driveway, unusable to him. It was such a frivolous purchase when a less expensive bench would have served the same purpose. Yet he had purchased it to try and make me happy.

Isn’t it sad that I got so caught up in desiring *things* way back then?  My broken bench serves as a reminder to me that material possessions aren’t really as important as we may think they are “in the moment”. No matter how sturdy they may appear to be, they will all eventually return to dust (or in this case, iron pieces).

I’m thankful that Dan allowed me to learn this lesson for myself. I hope that there is some way to salvage the bench because I’d like to keep it to serve as a reminder to me – a reminder to think twice before pressing him to purchase something that we can’t afford or don’t actually need. There are so many more important things in life!

Trust in the Lord

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths. – Proverbs 3:5-6

This is a familiar passage to most of us, but how many of us take it seriously? I asked myself this the other day as I struggled to come up with a solution to a problem that I was having with one of my children. I had been going about things in a most unsuccessful manner. I had pondered, questioned and used all the parenting knowledge that I’ve acquired in my short years of being a parent, to no avail. I actually thought about “Googling” the “issue” to see what other parents had to say about it.

Then I stopped.

“…lean not on your own understanding…”

“…in all your ways acknowledge Him…”

“…He will direct Your paths…”

Instead of “Googling”, I brought my problem directly to God as I was truly at a loss. Then I put my trust in Him to give me an answer (wisdom) when it was needed. He certainly knows each of my children way better than I do!

And you know what? On a daily case-by-case basis, He has given me more wisdom to work with the child – and His guidance is way better than anything I would find on Google!